First Week

I managed to make it through the weekend in a house on my own without stuffing my face. Actually, I was so unhappy that I didn’t eat very much at all. Tried to make sure I had at least one hot meal and didn’t starve myself. On Monday I was at training and hadn’t brought anything with me so I ended up having a roast beef dinner and a sponge pudding afterwards which felt very stodgy but also a vaguely good choice. I decided not to point on Monday, and just stuck to my normal snacks and normal evening meal choice. I had my weigh in Monday night and was really pleased to find I’d lost 7 and a half pounds during the week. I’m so pleased with myself. I got my first silver 7 stickers and I’m only 5 and a half pounds away from my 5% goal and means I’m currently 250 pounds. Still got loads to lose but it’s a good start and I’m thrilled.

Third Counsellor

I’m feeling really hacked off today and not happy with the world in general. Sorry to be a miserable sod but that’s just how it is.

Yesterday I sorted myself out and stuck to my points, which I’m pleased about. I went to see the third and last counsellor and she was really interesting. She had a more person centred approach than the others but inspired more confidence in me. She seemed to be a really together person, and even though she is more expensive, I’m thinking of going with her as my choice. We talked a lot about my childhood and what my family are like, which is something you could deconstruct forever! I did mention about D and about him probably being in bed and she really picked up on it. She was surprised that I had supported him for so long and that now I was trying to concentrate on myself; he still needed my support. She made me realise just how much I have given up for him too, even dropping my MA course when things got really bad when he was depressed.

Anyway, I was thinking through all of this when I got home to find D wasn’t even there. Judging by the lack of climbing pack in the living room, he has gone to Scotland for the weekend. It’s now 7pm on Saturday and no word from him. I can’t believe how self-centred he can be. I mean, he knew how nervous I was about the counselling sessions, especially the one from last night, and he also knows I’m probably worrying about him because he has disappeared before so for all I know he isn’t in Scotland at all. It’s only last year that he was suicidal and disappearing off so I had to call the police. No, it’s fair to say that I am not at all impressed. I’m really wondering why I am still with him because he has really surprised me by doing this. When he is depressed, he won’t do anything, so to disappear off to go climbing means he isn’t depressed and he is just thinking about himself. What he isn’t thinking about is the impact this has on me and my emotions, and is particularly unfair considering what I’m trying to do at the moment.

I’m coming to the conclusion that he either gets on board with the programme or I jump ship. I need people around me who are as committed to my making positive changes as I am. I have given him all I have to give and it’s my turn now.
So, feeling a bit sorry for myself really, about things generally not being the way I want them. Again, had a dodgy day regarding food and didn’t eat breakfast until lunchtime but pulled it together and haven’t eaten anything I shouldn’t of. Ended up in the supermarket buying a load of WeightWatchers convenience food, which is what I’m using to get me through the difficult days. Aside from the slight guilt of the lack of fresh food, I’m actually quite proud of myself for putting me first and not getting sucked in to dealing with someone else’s problems and using food to get a quick fix for mine. It’s Saturday night and I get weighed on Monday night, so it’s been almost a week now that I’ve stuck to the plan. Last night I came home to a Graze box that had been delivered for me as a free trial. It was brilliant, four portions of nuts/fruit and I got some tasty ones. I pointed them and they make for brilliant healthy snacks so I’m ordering two a week because they are well worth the money and not that expensive.

I haven’t done any of the positive stuff I wanted to do today. But I got through today even though I’ve felt down. Maybe I need to do something to cheer myself up. Not sure I can face the Wii Fit tonight though. Maybe I can start looking through magazines for inspirational pictures or just read over the blogs and forums posts on the WeightWatchers website.

Second Counsellor and Ranting

I saw the second counsellor last night. She seemed better than the last counsellor and made quite a few insightful comments, and I think I would be happy with her as my counsellor so am going to go to the third one tonight and then think about it over the weekend. One thing in particular that she said was that judging from what I was like as a child, I was a really resourceful person. Imagine what I could do if I put all the resources I put into eating and being secretive, into losing weight and changing my life for the better. That was a really positive thing to think about. I also managed to state really clearly what my goals are. I don’t want to be stick thin, and I don’t really have a goal weight in mind. I want to lose weight until I am at a healthy weight and my fitness is good enough so that I can join sports clubs and make some friends. I’ve managed to isolate myself and although I make friends really easily and get on well with people, I don’t have any proper friends at the moment, just people I see at work and D’s friends. So my goal is to be at a healthy weight and to be fit, to meet new people through sports and counselling will be extra support throughout that.

I’m having problems with D though and really not happy about it. He was the one pushing me to go to private counselling and it’s really not helpful when he kicks off. He’s been feeling a bit delicate and sensitive for a few days but he was supposed to be going climbing in Scotland from Friday night through until Sunday night, except there have been problems with organising it and although he has a place in the car going up, he feels left out of it all. So he cooked dinner last night but it didn’t go very well and in the end he kicked off and went to bed, and hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m in work and I’m pretty sure he won’t have gone to work today, and I’m thinking he probably won’t go to Scotland and just sulk around the house. I’m really annoyed with this though because I need his support right now, and I just don’t have the emotional strength to support him as well as deal with what I’m going through. That may sound really selfish but I spent all of last year supporting him through depression and when he had to have two operations on his heart. I don’t have anything left for him and I need to focus on me. To be honest, I’m not even sure if we should still be together anymore.

So, anyway, I didn’t eat most of my dinner and am feeling really torn today. I feel like I can’t be bothered and should eat whatever I want, and I also feel like I’m not going to let his problems dominate my life anymore and really concentrate on what I’m trying to do. I just feel so annoyed with him, even though I feel sorry that he feels bad.

OK, rant over. Just breathe :).

What I'm doing right now is really important to me. For once in my life, I'm really important to me. Everyone else will just have to look after themselves while I do this. I'm going to go get something healthy to eat, and point it, and then I'm going to spend some time looking through the WeightWatchers website and forum to keep myself positive. I can do this.

:)

Step. Clap. Kick.

Had a good day yesterday and feeling very positive today, although a little nervous about seeing the counsellor tonight. My boyfriend, D, was off climbing last night so I was in the house on my own, usually a good time to catch me stuffing my face, but a quick phone call from him set me on the right track. He’d asked what I was having for dinner and I said I wasn’t sure but had about 15 points to spend, and he told me to make sure I had a good meal because not eating all my points was not the way forward. He sounds like my mother sometimes!

So I faffed around the kitchen for a bit and settled on trying the WeightWatchers sausages, toast, beans and an egg. I used that low cal spray instead of oil which was a bargain buy. The sausages weren’t great to be honest, too soft really but ok, and will do for a healthy swap for when D is eating sausage sandwiches at the weekend for breakfast, as I don’t want to feel left out and be tempted by the real McCoy. The best bit was 3 slices of toast with Flora spread on, oh how I love buttery toast! It’s going to have to be reserved for when I have loads of points to spend though. The whole meal was 14 points which is massive for a dinner but I had it to spend and I figured it was better doing that than having something low cal and then snacking all night.

As well as checking up on what I was eating, D had also mentioned it was a good time to get on the Wii Fit. So I did! Well, there were no excuses available really. I love the Step game, although it’s absolutely hilarious to watch me do it. I have pretty good rhythm but the more advanced programme was way beyond me. The first programme is easy enough, with just stepping on and off, and then from side to side. The advanced programme was way more complicated, with stepping on and off, side to side, kicking, clapping and then swivelling my body round to step on sideways. D came home while I was still doing it and made comments like, “aren’t you supposed to be kicking instead of clapping” and “you’re stepping off in the wrong direction”, which as you can imagine was really helpful. At least it got me moving, and I made it to half an hour banked. After talking to D about it, I’m going to track how many activity points I earn but I’m not going to eat them. I’ve made a separate commitment to exercising rather than having it as part of my diet and I don’t want to give myself an excuse to start pigging out.

Looks like D is going climbing this weekend which means I'm on my own Friday night until late Sunday night/possibly Monday so I'm going to make sure I've got stuff to keep me busy and focused on my weight loss. There may even be exercise involved. Who knows? :)

So feeling pretty good today and pleased with myself that I am sticking to the diet and exercising and making efforts to find a good counsellor for extra support. Another sneaky peek at the scales this morning confirms I’m losing weight so I’m looking forward to next Monday to find out my official weight loss. I asked on the WW forum for advice about non-food rewards and got some really useful answers. One girl has a charm bracelet and is having a new charm for every half stone lost. I really like that idea as the website she directed me to had some lovely charms. I love the idea that when I'm slim I can look at my bracelet and be reminded of my journey. It would be cool to have charms that represented particular things too.

Also, I have two blog followers already, hello! :)

Counsellor Number 1 and Chocolate Cold Turkey

I had my first therapy session last night. I have 3 first sessions booked this week to see which counsellor I like and which one I think can help me. 2 of them are offering free first sessions and the third is charging her usual rate but she has 8 years of experience at an eating disorders unit so I’m hoping she will be worth the money. Last night was an interesting experience and although she was lovely, I don’t think she can help me. She was really nice but young, could not have been much older than me, and seemed to lack experience. Her specialism is in rape and sexual assault, which is not that useful for me, and she seemed to lack direction. I left feeling positive about myself and about my attempts to change things in my life but fairly confident she was the wrong counsellor for me. I have another session tomorrow night and then another on Friday, so I’m planning on spending the weekend thinking it over.

I bullied my partner into coming to Tesco with me to do a food shop, as I thought the temptation of buying rubbish after a therapy session may be too strong. He even did it fairly cheerfully even though he hates food shopping, mostly because I turn it into a 2 hour drama. We bought a lot of stuff actually, and most of it fairly healthy although there was a distinct lack of fresh food. He may or may not be going climbing at the weekend, and he may or may not be going climbing tonight so it makes it hard to plan meals. I’m happy to rely on convenience foods for a while though to get me started but at some point I will need to start planning meals with fresh vegetables. We did buy some bananas and we have frozen vegetables anyway so it’s not looking too bad.

After scoffing the chocolate buttons pack bought last week, my other half persuaded me to go cold turkey on chocolate as I obviously can’t manage to have it in the house and eat one bag or bar a day. I have some Options hot chocolate sachets so I’m going to try them when I’m craving chocolate and see how I go with that. They are only half a point, and should be fairly filling as it’s a drink. The idea behind it is that by the time I’m finished with the drink, the craving will have passed and I can talk myself out of it. I don’t think I’ve ever gone cold turkey with chocolate before, as I view it as an essential food. But it’s not essential and I can’t control myself around it so he is right in not letting me buy it. I still have weightwatchers bars and other snack type stuff so it’s not like I’m being really harsh with myself or anything. It’s all about choices.

I stuck to my points yesterday even though I was really badly organised and ended up eating sandwiches all day. I pointed them though and chose healthier options, avoiding the chocolate and pastries on offer, which I’m really quite proud of myself for. I’ve also swapped my milky coffees during the day for tea because I’m refusing to point milk because that’s too much faffing about but I have to admit the amount of milk I use in coffee is not good when I have about 4 large mugs a day at work whereas I drink tea like normal people and only use a dash of milk. I even banked a few points to save and did not feel deprived at all. Today I am much more organised. I have already eaten a ham and Philadelphia bagel for breakfast which I prepared last night, and I have a lunchbox of low point food with me, as well as a weightwatchers ready meal for lunch.

I had a sneaky peek at the scales this morning, which I know is really bad of me. But I’m feeling good about it because it showed I have dropped a couple of pounds already. That cheered me up no end and helped to spur me on when I was running late for the train. My morning journey to the station only takes about ten minutes but it is hard work for someone as unfit as me. Separating my house from the station is a deep gorge which involves steep steps and a hill on the way down, a bridge across the river and a very steep slog up the other side, then a choice of either steps or another hill to get to the far side of the station. It’s the slog up the side of the gorge which kills my legs. I can do it easier if I break the hill up into 3 stages (50 steps, 40 steps, 40 steps) with rests at every stage so I get my breath back even though my legs still hurt. On the mornings I am running late though, it’s a long haul up the hill and staggering onto the train in an attractive panting mess. Must remember to get out of bed earlier.

I miss chocolate.

First Weigh In

I took the plunge and signed up for the monthly pass, and then went to my first weigh in last night. The group was quite small, with a few new members including me. I was the fattest person there, but I wasn’t surprised to be honest. There were a couple of people there who have lost a few stone and are close to their goal. Hopefully I will be in the same position one day.

As it was an evening, and I was wearing clothes and not holding on to the sink to support my weight, the scales clicked in at 18 stone 10. My Leader set my goal to reach 5% of my body weight which is 17 stone 11, so just under a stone. I think that is a pretty good mini goal to have and it shouldn’t take me too long. I’m hoping for a good weight loss this first week as my body gets over the shock of not being allowed to consume my weight in chocolate everyday. It’s 10 weeks until my birthday so I should have lost a stone by then, although I may re-evaluate this goal depending on how much I lose in the first couple of weeks. It might be more realistic to try for my 10% for my birthday to give me something to work hard for.

I stocked up on fruities and weightwatchers bars as an alternative to chocolate, and bought a clicker, which a friend at my office assures me is a good buy as it allows me to count my points via a clicker attached to my keys so I don’t have to remember them. I suppose it’s good to have little reminders about the place that my eating has to change.

One habit I’m determined to get stuck into is the breakfast one. I leave the house at twenty past seven, usually without eating, and arrive at the office about an hour or so later starving. This makes the ham and cheese croissants at Sheffield station fairly attractive and will power is non existent at that time of the morning. So, my new habit (which I did today) is to have a breakfast bar on my way to my local station with a bottle of water, ignore the croissants at Sheffield, grab a tea instead of a fat filled latte, and have a bowl of cereal at the office which really sets me up for the day. I have to say, I’m feeling better for it already and there were no scary tummy rumbles on the train. It helps to know that a ham and cheese croissant is probably about 12 points which is nearly half my day’s points. I might try and save up some points to have it occasionally but then I find myself asking is it really worth it? Do I want it that much? Probably not. I’d rather spend extra points on going out for meals rather than on a breakfast snack that doesn’t fill me up and lasts about 2 minutes.

I’m feeling fairly positive today. I have a good idea of what I’m going to be eating this week, although I’m going to rely on convenience food to get me started and lots of places have ranges that are either easy to point or already have the points on them. I quite like having hot ready meals at lunch time. I need to go to the shops tonight and buy some stuff in so I’m prepared

My other half will probably be away at the weekend, climbing ice or mountain biking, so I think I’m going to devote some time to myself. I’m thinking of ideas along the lines of a scrapbook to document my weight loss with pictures of how I look now and trackers to chart my progress, pictures from magazines of clothes I want to wear and the kind of things I want to be doing. I made something similar once before, a collage that was laminated and put up on the wall, which I found really motivating. I might even put it up on the section divider behind my computer at work so I have to look at it all day which may help stop snacking. Also a treat box for me to dip into when I’m feeling low or maybe as a reward for minor achievements like every pound lost although I’m more tempted to make it a “whenever” box with magazines and manicure sets. We have a load of weightwatchers recipe books donated from my Mum ages ago and some from when I did this a couple of years ago so I might dig into them as some point, although I don’t want to do too much to start with. It would be good to make no point or low point vegetable soup though.

Creaky Knees and Big Whoppers

My first post.

You know it's time to lose weight when your knees start creaking as you go up the stairs. Even worse, I'm 25. Creaky knees are for the elderly, or the very fat as I'm painfully aware. The scales were not my friend this morning at 18 stone 7. I've been here before though, and the creaky knees are always a sign my weight has crept up above 18 stone. My boyfriend thinks I'm nuts and it's a psychological awareness rather than an exact weight that makes my knees creak but whatever... things have to change.

I'm looking at WeightWatchers again. I say again, as it's the only diet I've ever tried that actually worked for me longer than 3 weeks. And I've done them all, only halfheartedly I might add, as any diet works as long as you stick to it. I'm not feeling very positive although I'm having a good day so far, what with my Special K Sustain cereal in the morning and my coffee and caramel wafer as a mid morning snack. I've got my healthy ready meal for lunch and I'm all set. But this isn't a food blog. I'm not going to list my food intake for the world to see every day, and may the gods of blogging cut off my internet access if I do.

This is a blog to keep me focused and on track with weightloss. I want to be able to look back at this post a year from now, having achieved my goals. Visualisation is important, don't you know. A year from today, what will I look like? Slimmer? Definately. Healthier? Definately. Happier? I hope so. I'm stuck in a rut, you see, and that rut is firmly located on the couch.

I'm working on my goals. Working on making them SMART. For the uninitiated, that means Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timed. As a dwarf of 5'2, my weight is supposed to be around 8 stone 7 which means I have a whopping 10 stone to lose. I can't even imagine that. I may have to saw off a limb or two to achieve it. I have to lose over half my body weight, the weight of a whole person. It's like a twisted pregnancy. I'm determined not to think of it though, as that really is the Big Whopper of goals. For now, I'll restrict myself to looking at every half stone marker and celebrate every minor milestone.

I'm supposed to have 26 points according to the online points quiz, which is quite a lot really. So, I reckon as a rough guide I should be using 5 for breakfast, 8 for lunch, 10 for dinner and 3 for snacks. I might post on the WW forum boards for advice on that though. I'm also considering going to meetings or not. I used to go to one in Manchester that was fantastic and the Leader was really motivating. When I moved house to the High Peak, the Leader at my new class was awful and I stopped going. I might post on the boards to see if anyone can recommend a Leader in my area or I might look into doing it as an online subscriber. I reckon I stand more of a chance at group meetings but only if the Leader is a positive influence.

Wish me luck xx