Counsellor Number 1 and Chocolate Cold Turkey

I had my first therapy session last night. I have 3 first sessions booked this week to see which counsellor I like and which one I think can help me. 2 of them are offering free first sessions and the third is charging her usual rate but she has 8 years of experience at an eating disorders unit so I’m hoping she will be worth the money. Last night was an interesting experience and although she was lovely, I don’t think she can help me. She was really nice but young, could not have been much older than me, and seemed to lack experience. Her specialism is in rape and sexual assault, which is not that useful for me, and she seemed to lack direction. I left feeling positive about myself and about my attempts to change things in my life but fairly confident she was the wrong counsellor for me. I have another session tomorrow night and then another on Friday, so I’m planning on spending the weekend thinking it over.

I bullied my partner into coming to Tesco with me to do a food shop, as I thought the temptation of buying rubbish after a therapy session may be too strong. He even did it fairly cheerfully even though he hates food shopping, mostly because I turn it into a 2 hour drama. We bought a lot of stuff actually, and most of it fairly healthy although there was a distinct lack of fresh food. He may or may not be going climbing at the weekend, and he may or may not be going climbing tonight so it makes it hard to plan meals. I’m happy to rely on convenience foods for a while though to get me started but at some point I will need to start planning meals with fresh vegetables. We did buy some bananas and we have frozen vegetables anyway so it’s not looking too bad.

After scoffing the chocolate buttons pack bought last week, my other half persuaded me to go cold turkey on chocolate as I obviously can’t manage to have it in the house and eat one bag or bar a day. I have some Options hot chocolate sachets so I’m going to try them when I’m craving chocolate and see how I go with that. They are only half a point, and should be fairly filling as it’s a drink. The idea behind it is that by the time I’m finished with the drink, the craving will have passed and I can talk myself out of it. I don’t think I’ve ever gone cold turkey with chocolate before, as I view it as an essential food. But it’s not essential and I can’t control myself around it so he is right in not letting me buy it. I still have weightwatchers bars and other snack type stuff so it’s not like I’m being really harsh with myself or anything. It’s all about choices.

I stuck to my points yesterday even though I was really badly organised and ended up eating sandwiches all day. I pointed them though and chose healthier options, avoiding the chocolate and pastries on offer, which I’m really quite proud of myself for. I’ve also swapped my milky coffees during the day for tea because I’m refusing to point milk because that’s too much faffing about but I have to admit the amount of milk I use in coffee is not good when I have about 4 large mugs a day at work whereas I drink tea like normal people and only use a dash of milk. I even banked a few points to save and did not feel deprived at all. Today I am much more organised. I have already eaten a ham and Philadelphia bagel for breakfast which I prepared last night, and I have a lunchbox of low point food with me, as well as a weightwatchers ready meal for lunch.

I had a sneaky peek at the scales this morning, which I know is really bad of me. But I’m feeling good about it because it showed I have dropped a couple of pounds already. That cheered me up no end and helped to spur me on when I was running late for the train. My morning journey to the station only takes about ten minutes but it is hard work for someone as unfit as me. Separating my house from the station is a deep gorge which involves steep steps and a hill on the way down, a bridge across the river and a very steep slog up the other side, then a choice of either steps or another hill to get to the far side of the station. It’s the slog up the side of the gorge which kills my legs. I can do it easier if I break the hill up into 3 stages (50 steps, 40 steps, 40 steps) with rests at every stage so I get my breath back even though my legs still hurt. On the mornings I am running late though, it’s a long haul up the hill and staggering onto the train in an attractive panting mess. Must remember to get out of bed earlier.

I miss chocolate.