Third Counsellor

I’m feeling really hacked off today and not happy with the world in general. Sorry to be a miserable sod but that’s just how it is.

Yesterday I sorted myself out and stuck to my points, which I’m pleased about. I went to see the third and last counsellor and she was really interesting. She had a more person centred approach than the others but inspired more confidence in me. She seemed to be a really together person, and even though she is more expensive, I’m thinking of going with her as my choice. We talked a lot about my childhood and what my family are like, which is something you could deconstruct forever! I did mention about D and about him probably being in bed and she really picked up on it. She was surprised that I had supported him for so long and that now I was trying to concentrate on myself; he still needed my support. She made me realise just how much I have given up for him too, even dropping my MA course when things got really bad when he was depressed.

Anyway, I was thinking through all of this when I got home to find D wasn’t even there. Judging by the lack of climbing pack in the living room, he has gone to Scotland for the weekend. It’s now 7pm on Saturday and no word from him. I can’t believe how self-centred he can be. I mean, he knew how nervous I was about the counselling sessions, especially the one from last night, and he also knows I’m probably worrying about him because he has disappeared before so for all I know he isn’t in Scotland at all. It’s only last year that he was suicidal and disappearing off so I had to call the police. No, it’s fair to say that I am not at all impressed. I’m really wondering why I am still with him because he has really surprised me by doing this. When he is depressed, he won’t do anything, so to disappear off to go climbing means he isn’t depressed and he is just thinking about himself. What he isn’t thinking about is the impact this has on me and my emotions, and is particularly unfair considering what I’m trying to do at the moment.

I’m coming to the conclusion that he either gets on board with the programme or I jump ship. I need people around me who are as committed to my making positive changes as I am. I have given him all I have to give and it’s my turn now.
So, feeling a bit sorry for myself really, about things generally not being the way I want them. Again, had a dodgy day regarding food and didn’t eat breakfast until lunchtime but pulled it together and haven’t eaten anything I shouldn’t of. Ended up in the supermarket buying a load of WeightWatchers convenience food, which is what I’m using to get me through the difficult days. Aside from the slight guilt of the lack of fresh food, I’m actually quite proud of myself for putting me first and not getting sucked in to dealing with someone else’s problems and using food to get a quick fix for mine. It’s Saturday night and I get weighed on Monday night, so it’s been almost a week now that I’ve stuck to the plan. Last night I came home to a Graze box that had been delivered for me as a free trial. It was brilliant, four portions of nuts/fruit and I got some tasty ones. I pointed them and they make for brilliant healthy snacks so I’m ordering two a week because they are well worth the money and not that expensive.

I haven’t done any of the positive stuff I wanted to do today. But I got through today even though I’ve felt down. Maybe I need to do something to cheer myself up. Not sure I can face the Wii Fit tonight though. Maybe I can start looking through magazines for inspirational pictures or just read over the blogs and forums posts on the WeightWatchers website.