Second Counsellor and Ranting

I saw the second counsellor last night. She seemed better than the last counsellor and made quite a few insightful comments, and I think I would be happy with her as my counsellor so am going to go to the third one tonight and then think about it over the weekend. One thing in particular that she said was that judging from what I was like as a child, I was a really resourceful person. Imagine what I could do if I put all the resources I put into eating and being secretive, into losing weight and changing my life for the better. That was a really positive thing to think about. I also managed to state really clearly what my goals are. I don’t want to be stick thin, and I don’t really have a goal weight in mind. I want to lose weight until I am at a healthy weight and my fitness is good enough so that I can join sports clubs and make some friends. I’ve managed to isolate myself and although I make friends really easily and get on well with people, I don’t have any proper friends at the moment, just people I see at work and D’s friends. So my goal is to be at a healthy weight and to be fit, to meet new people through sports and counselling will be extra support throughout that.

I’m having problems with D though and really not happy about it. He was the one pushing me to go to private counselling and it’s really not helpful when he kicks off. He’s been feeling a bit delicate and sensitive for a few days but he was supposed to be going climbing in Scotland from Friday night through until Sunday night, except there have been problems with organising it and although he has a place in the car going up, he feels left out of it all. So he cooked dinner last night but it didn’t go very well and in the end he kicked off and went to bed, and hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m in work and I’m pretty sure he won’t have gone to work today, and I’m thinking he probably won’t go to Scotland and just sulk around the house. I’m really annoyed with this though because I need his support right now, and I just don’t have the emotional strength to support him as well as deal with what I’m going through. That may sound really selfish but I spent all of last year supporting him through depression and when he had to have two operations on his heart. I don’t have anything left for him and I need to focus on me. To be honest, I’m not even sure if we should still be together anymore.

So, anyway, I didn’t eat most of my dinner and am feeling really torn today. I feel like I can’t be bothered and should eat whatever I want, and I also feel like I’m not going to let his problems dominate my life anymore and really concentrate on what I’m trying to do. I just feel so annoyed with him, even though I feel sorry that he feels bad.

OK, rant over. Just breathe :).

What I'm doing right now is really important to me. For once in my life, I'm really important to me. Everyone else will just have to look after themselves while I do this. I'm going to go get something healthy to eat, and point it, and then I'm going to spend some time looking through the WeightWatchers website and forum to keep myself positive. I can do this.

:)