Rations and Aspirations

You know what I just figured out? If I eat a portion of home made soup for lunch, I feel the need to pig out before and after rather than saving the points. Well, not pig out as such but definitely eat more than I would normally. Like today for example, I had my usual nutri grain bar on the way to work for first breakfast (yes I am like a hobbit and feel the need to have multiple meals!) at 6.30am and then when I got to work about an hour later I had a banana sandwich on brown bread. D had mentioned this is a really good energy boost and I was feeling like I needed it. So, after much coffee I had my soup about half twelve and then had a crème egg as a bit of a treat with more coffee mid afternoon. So with the sandwich and the egg, I’ve eaten what I would have saved by having my soup instead of a ready meal. Although it’s not too bad now I look at it. It’s just that I have pointed my main meal already and know I don’t have enough for a pudding. I like my puddings!

It’s interesting about learning to just have treats with things like chocolate instead of just stuffing my face everyday with it. I’ve had to stop having chocolate in the house because I can’t have just one. Buying the odd crème egg gets me through the chocolate shortage and I really am learning to savour it. I think part of me will always see it as a deprivation though.

I spent some time cutting out pictures of girls being active in magazines last night, much to the amusement of D who thinks any motivational tool is daft. But honestly, I need something to stare at all day beside the computer screen and the blue divider wall that I hide behind. I really do need to focus on the reasons why I want to lose weight. It’s not just the vanity of looking good and wearing nice clothes, although that is certainly part of it. Mostly it’s about changing my lifestyle. I can’t stand it when you hear about people who drop like 9 stone and then put it all back on again. I feel really sorry for them for going through all that hard work but not really learning the most important thing. You have to change your lifestyle for life, not just while you diet. I want my lifestyle to be totally different, no more sitting on the couch all weekend. I want to be out horse riding as soon as I’m lighter and fit enough to be able to, I’m going to be so happy when that happens. I can’t even imagine it. I want to be out biking and rock climbing and proving to D I’ve got the guts and willpower to do what he does. I want to be taking part in fell races and getting covered in mud, and quad biking and running marathons. I want to be sailing and kayaking and hang gliding. I want to be skiing and snowboarding and travelling the world to do sports like surfing and windsurfing off sandy beaches in clear blue water.

That’s why I need a motivational poster of people doing these things, because I can’t imagine myself doing them. I don’t want to change who I am, because I like me, I just want to change what I do with my life.